BEHIND DOMESTIC LINES
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A monthly dispatch from the parenting front line
MOTHERING THROUGH THE DARKNESS
By MichiganMom
Parenting a teenager with depression has nearly broken me. It has cracked me open, so that I thought the pieces would never come back together. But, like the daisies and coneflowers that I hack down to the ground in preparation for spring, the places that are cut are the places where new shoots grow.
I didn’t sign up for this. Hiding the knives. Locking up the household cleaners. Checking his room for anything sharp, for hidden meds he didn’t take. Noticing new cuts on his arms. Wondering if I will find him dead in his room in the morning. Sitting with him in the doctor’s office waiting for the results of the drug tests.
Letting go of the expectations and hopes and dreams. While other parents share proud news about their kids’ accomplishments–honors classes, sports achievements, a date to the prom–I am happy the stealing seems to have stopped. That he can, very occasionally, laugh again.
It is a heartbreaking thing to know that your child does not want to live anymore. This sweet soul who used to sing and dance around the house, to canter like a horse around the yard, to lead the neighborhood kid gang in complex games with plastic swords—now wants to die. Now he cuts himself just so that he will feel something. And nothing we do seems to help.
And it takes its toll. Living with a severely depressed person is like living with a black hole. When at its worst, everyone is sucked into the blackness. Nothing escapes. Nothing breaks through the darkness.
It takes a toll on the family, on the friendships, on the marriage, but most of all on me, the main caregiver, the mom. Most of the time I am able to marshal all of my forces and do what needs to be done, whether it’s monitoring his meds, giving a hug when I really don’t feel like it, or knocking on his door to see if he’s ok. Not to mention the endless appointments and phone calls: psychiatrist, psychologist (both an hour away), teacher conferences, school 504 meetings, family doctor, health insurance company, massage and physical therapy for the anxiety he carries in his body, and never-ending expensive trips to the pharmacy. It is like its own part-time job, and I don’t know how a parent could possibly have a successful career while trying to manage all of this, this endless list of stuff that your child desperately needs. On top of all that is the burden of the medical bills.
Most of the time I am able to push through. But sometimes, I hit a wall. Sometimes I shut down. Like the time he said, you can take me to all the therapist appointments you want, I’m not going to talk, I’m not going to try, it’s stupid. My face fell and something in me snapped shut like a clam. I went to my bedroom and did not make eye contact with anyone for 24 hours. I had to hide. I was sucked dry and weary to the bone.
It turns out parental love is not as unconditional as we thought. There is a breaking point. There are in fact many breaking points. Because we hide and we cry and pull our hair and if we’re lucky we talk to someone. But then we pick ourselves up off the bathroom floor and we go back. And that—that is the courage, the heroic courage of the parent and the caregivers, the quiet warriors of our weary world.
It’s hard to find other parents of kids with a mental illness, because who the hell wants to advertise it? Oh, your kid is on the debate team? That’s great. My son was nearly institutionalized for being suicidal and I had to take away anything sharp and his belts from his room. Want to meet for coffee and chat about it? No, not likely.
Thank God when we hit bottom I had someone to reach out to. A desperate plea to friends to watch my 6 year old so I could take the teenager to an emergency therapist and doctor’s appointment after discovering evidence of just how much he wanted to die. I laid it all bare. Desperately. Just being able to share it and feeling supported kept me from sinking. But thank god again, one of the friends had a daughter who struggled with depression. We met for drinks. She introduced me to a private online group of moms of kids with mental health issues. It was such a comfort to know that I was not alone, that these moms get it, that I had a place to pour it all out to parents who had been there and survived. These parents are my lifeline and my heroes. It is critical for parents to have a supportive community of some kind, but the lingering stigma about mental health so often prevents this.
It’s still hard a lot of the time, though he’s doing really well right now thanks to a fabulous support team of doctors, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, family, friends, and community. Sometimes I fear that he will never fight his way through to have a “normal” life. Sometimes his irritability and moodiness make me want him to just go away. Sometimes I fantasize about having a sweet, “normal” kid, or no kids at all.
But it’s funny how the heart has to be cracked open in order to grow so much. There’s just no other way. I used to be judgmental of some parents of kids with behavioral problems. Out of sheer ignorance I often unconsciously blamed the parents. My heart is so much bigger now. Where there was judgment and annoyance now there is only love and compassion. Now I want to reach out to parents who are trying to cope and offer love and support (and alcohol). Now I want to love the kids and teens I see struggling. Now there is no such thing as other people’s children.
Soon I will dig up the hostas and the coneflowers and the daisies, and I will viciously slice them down the middle with my shovel, laying bare the white roots, the soft wet insides. And I will put them back into the dark ground, knowing that they will grow bigger for it.
MichiganMom lives with her family in Lansing, Michigan, U.S.A.
Such honesty. Such bravery. Thank you for writing this.
I am a mother of a 24 year old just diagnosed with Scizophrenia and is in jail for being mentally. I know your heartache. I get no one wants to talk about it and it has made this struggle for me, much harder. They will talk about external but not what we suffer internally, behind closed doors. I stopped support groups because of this. Keep fighting and helping others. Thank you for sharing so openly. Mori Winfield
Thank you so much for your comments. I hope you keep looking and find someone you can talk to honestly about it.
-MichiganMom
We have a granddaughter suffering a nd it has taken a toll on the f amily. My daughter was blessed to fin d NAMI and may have saved her as well. We went with her and it is amazing how good it is to meet someone w h o understands. Blessings and prayers to your family
I am at that stage,and your story is so my story. I am glad I have ran across this. It’s just the beginning for me.
Thank you
Thank you for your honesty. My son recently successfully completed a wilderness therapy program and is now in a residential therapy school and doing well. I have experienced the depths of despair, the exhaustion, the fear, and the shame of not being a “better parent”. I too am guilty of having judged others in the past but now I look at struggling children and their parents with compassion and empathy. At the height of our struggles with our son with anxiety, depression, and mood disorder I wrote a letter/essay entitled “Until you know…” where I listed all the things we had experienced asking “Do you know what it’s like…” and then I would list one by one the difficulties we faced over the years. It’s well over two pages long. At the end I wrote “Until you know please do not judge us…” and then shared more of what we truly need in place of being judged and that we are fighting the fight for our son. I have not shared the letter with anyone other than my husband and therapists as it is incredibly personal but I will often read it and find it comforting to know that I am a strong woman who is fighting the fight for her child.
Laura, I would like to encourage you to share what you wrote, I bet others would find comfort in knowing someone else has experienced what you describe.
I agree, sharing your story can be helpful In ways you cannot anticipate.
I’m at the exact same point. My son “graduated” from Wilderness yesterday and entered a RTC today. My heart breaks for him everyday. I see him getting healthier and just keep hoping. I hope that he will learn how to handle his depression and anxiety. I hope that he will finish high school. I hope that he will come home one day and we can have a healthy normal here at home. It is so so hard. And, the tole it has taken on the whole family is horrible. One day, I hope that all my boys can be brothers again.
And as bad as it can get for us the parents, it is worse for our children who are living it. We had the so called normal life for awhile. For our children struggling with mental illness there has never been an comfortable, easy or “normal” day. Everyday is a struggle, has been for a long time and will be for a longer time.
That is so very true. And such a painful reality.
So true, I have lived it. I had to stop in the middle for a few minutes because I was sobbing. Thank you for writing this.
Beautifully written, so honest. I sit here as the mother with mental illness hoping like hell none of my 3 beans ever experience it. My oldest is a brand new teen and is sometimes so dark I can’t tell if it’s depression or teenage normalcy. Thank you so much for writing this…keep fighting the good fight.
im speechless …i cant even describe the relief i feel knowing someone knows the heartache put into words and seeing someone else dealing exactly with what my reality is.
I feel your pain and applaud your bravery. We, the moms like you, are out here. You aren’t alone. Look for a support group- NAMI or DBSA. It helps. Just get through one more day.
Nice writing. Thanks for making me feel less alone in the wars one.
Thank you so much. ….you are so on the money….while my child is no longer a teen at home….the challenges haven’t let up….i had tears reading your words….i could have expressed those same thoughts myself yesterday as I came home and just curled up on the bed after conversation with my child….but as the mom, we will get back up and keep loving and helping our children…by putting one foot in front of the other….again.
Take care of yourself too. Much love.
Michigan mom. Thanks so much for your article. It really hit home in my heart too, as one of my sons is dealing with similar issues. I would love to find support and sharing in a mom’s blog. Can u please recommend one? Thx so much!
I came across this by chance on Facebook and I’m so glad I did. Your story made me cry as I too have been going through this same situation. My daughter Anna turned 18 Feb 19th and has refused all manner of help. I’m so, sooo tired as all she does me blame me constantly.
I’m in the UK, don’t have a lot of friends, keep myself to myself most of the the unless I’m at work.
Much love to you x
Thank you for your honest reply. I encourage you to reach out and find some support. It’s out there. And it makes such a huge difference. I am an introvert so it can be difficult to take those first steps, I know! But we can’t go through this alone.
https://www.rethink.org/carers-family-friends
Much love to you!
I completely understand what you have written! I keep saying the same sort of things about our son and our situation. I had to go through and continue to go through a grieving process for what I thought our lives would all be like as he became a teenager and moving into adulthood. It sucks just plain sucks for him and for the rest of us. There should be no shame in being able to say and share what we are going through and I do try but it is tough and some people are just mean and ignorant about it all and then there is the medical system who doesn’t really want us to stand up and advocate for our children but they expect us to be there 24/7 when what they are doing doesn’t work! Thanks for sharing, we all need to do the same! Hugs
Yes, exactly! Well said.
Hugs.
My 19 year old daughter just called me to say she’s not doing more treatment. She has been in residential treatment for 105 days because she has bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and a heroin addiction. She has to leave this treatment center and because there is no real help she will go to a county run 3/4 house which is full of crack addicts who have lost their children. She said she’s going on the run and will die first. I believe her. She’s run before. There is no help. She is so unstable, self harms and can not regulate her emotions. Lord have mercy. IOP times 5, 7 hospitalizations, therapy, psychiatrists appointment, medical bill that I will be buried with. No help.
I’m so sorry. There is nothing harder than watching your child destroy herself.
I hope you can get some support for yourself. Much love to you.
I sobbed reading this. I have two bipolar teenage daughters. To find the right doctors, therapists, medicines… To get guidance counselors and teachers and even family to understand… to survive baker acts and bad medicine reactions and hiding pills and cutting and shoplifting and the depths of hopelessness, it has all taken such a toll. I feel battle-worn. Now they are finally relatively stable. The eldest is in college 800 miles away but still there are struggles. She has to get herself to the doctor and remember to take her medicine and even the basic feeding herself and getting up in the morning for class when she is cycling and has insomnia. It is so hard to let go. All parents worry, but I literally worry about her staying alive. I have not found my support system. I have only recently realized that I have to find a way to take care of myself so that I can continue this battle… For my older daughters and my toddler who I am too aware of every little quirk and can’t help but worry about the “sensory issues” that have her in therapy every week may be signs of something else later. Thank you for writing your piece for all of us to know, if nothing else, we are not alone.
Please try to carve out just a little time for self care. It’s so hard to remember to take care of ourselves.
And there is support out there–check out the NAMI link above if you are in the US.
Much love to you.
I hate to say been there, done that. But I have been there, and I so get it, get you, get your situation. There are so many breaking points. For us, it came when we realized how our son’s depression/anxiety/behaviors were affecting his younger sister. Three hospitalizations, several therapists, meds–none of it helped. On the fourth hospitalization, we decided we all needed something different, the ‘system’ obviously wasn’t working, and neither were we–we sent him to wilderness. Followed by more than a year of residential treatment. Things I never thought I’d do–send my son away. But I couldn’t keep him safe, and I couldn’t keep my daughter safe. He’s home, now, sleeping; he’s so much better. He has plans for a future. But that depression always lurks, a hole he may trip in. Thank you for this. You capture it all so eloquently. Peace…
I’m so glad your son is better. It’s so hard to watch it affect siblings.
Much love to you.
Thank you for sharing. I recently lost my 15 year old son, Oscar, to depression by suicide (September 11, 2015). He was gifted, truly brilliant and suffered from acute existential depression… I’ve learned so much since then, having this conversation that I never wanted to have, over and over and over again. If I had to do it again one thing I would do differently is get his brain scanned with SPECT brain imaging. Dr. Amen gave a TEDx talk about it. If you haven’t heard of it, check it out. If you think about it, it’s absurd that we treat mental illness without looking at the brain. We don’t use imaging as standard practice in diagnosis. I truly hope for you that your son keeps getting better and embraces his recovery. Lots of love and light to you. Thanks again for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
A mother might never recover completely from that kind of loss–but sharing your story could help others. Thank you for sharing here.
Been through this too. It’s a full-time job and takes the stuffing right out of you. Very little help where I live – yes meds – but that is about it. It started in high school – smoking pot etc. It took a few years to get it totally figured out what was going on. Doctor blamed me initially. Wait lists. I could write several novels about the horrible gut wrenching experience of STIGMA. Yes – when it comes down to it – that is what it is. Lack of help, underfunding – it’s related to stigma.
Thank heavens I had the time and resources to help our son – he’s doing well now. He has told me if it wasn’t for me he would be a street person or probably deceased. It’s true. When he left hospital – it was a sink or swim situation. A small group of parents connected – and I discovered a program http://www.iccd.org – its a holistic form of psychosocial rehabilitation for the mentally ill. Fountain House in NYC is the first ‘clubhouse’ – now over 300 worldwide. Our group is working hard to bring this evidence-based, best practice, life saving and life rebuilding program here in Victoria BC Canada http://www.momslikeus.ca Best wishes to you and your son. I believe it takes retraining the brain – the more positive things/changes in his life – it will all be helpful for the future. It’s wonderful we are all sharing and communicating – this is going to be the way we change public policy – for more funding for MI and better understanding.
Thank you for sharing. I totally agree, the stigma is still such a problem. Thanks for the important work you are doing. Carry on, mama warrior.
Thank you. I am sitting at my desk in tears. Every one of your words ring true with me. Our son was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar and I hit that wall you mentioned on Sunday. I have felt the guilt of not having that unconditional love. Every single word, thank you.
Much love to you.
Wow! I most days feel so very alone, so detached from “real” parents. This I could have wrote, except I have 2 daughters who suffer from major depressive disorder, we have had 3 hospitalization a in 18 months, and one was diagnosed bipolar as well. I would love to know more about support groups for parents like those who have commented here – possible close to me in Michigan?!
I understand–so hard to relate to and talk to parents of “normal” kids.
I would encourage you to find a local chapter of NAMI (see link above). Our excellent psychologist also recommends this website: https://www.erikaslighthouse.org/parents
And if you can’t find a support group…consider starting one! There are likely parents just like you in your area that are also looking for support. You might start by talking with your school guidance counselor or a local therapist.
Much love to you.
Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful comments. Remember, the best way to lesson the stigma is to share our stories. Thank you all for doing that.
This so deeply and honestly penetrated the truth of parenting my son these last two years. While I have felt the relief of friendship, fellowship and medical village it stuck my heart so to hear your journey. I also want to stand beside you in your overcoming, the self care and rwxhibg out for yourself. The healing and refilling comes from the same place for me, an open heart. Those moments where I know so deeply that this boy was for me and I was for him. Every part of the journey to be the mom I am and to love him as no one could, for himself. Thank you for your story and sharing your striving.
I could have written this myself. Almost identical. My 17 y.o. Daughter has tried 3 times to kill herself. I have the same routine, licking everything potentially dangerous away. Living in constant fear. It is a nightmare as a parent to always wonder if your child is ok or have they done it again? She has been dx with bipolar depression; clinical depression; anxiety. She hates herself and life. It is so unfair.
My daughter, who is now 18, is currently in the Behavioral Health wing of a local hospital after her 2nd suicide attempt in 7 months. I missed the signs of her first attempt last March, partially because I knew she was struggling, but had come to me in early September, just a few months prior and told me she needed a counselor. I got her one, and she was working with her MD, she was put on anti-depressants, and it seemed to help some but she still struggled, and didn’t tell me how bad she was struggling. When I asked, she always said she was ok. After her first attempt and 24 hours in ER and an acute care mental health clinic, she sent to a Adolescent program over 70 miles away. She was 17 then and that was the closest one with an open bed. After two weeks, they released her, on new medication, with a diagnosis of clinical depression and anxiety disorder, and as the psychiatrist who started working with her just after her release, “in a fragile state”. She went back to school, and struggled through the rest of the year, experience some panic attacks. I fought with the school to allow her to go on her senior trip, and with the help of her Dr and the School Social worker, won that battle. She graduated, got accepted to both of the colleges she applied to and ended up going to the college with a campus next to where I work. She has been riding with me every day. Unfortunately, in early October, after deciding her medicine wasn’t working, she stopped taking it. She stockpiled it for two weeks, and then on this past Monday, after being unable to sleep the night before, she didn’t want to go to class so stayed home, and sometime during the day, started taking all of the medicine she stock piled. At 9pm, she started having seizures, and we got her to the ER. That’s when she told us what she did. From our visit with her yesterday we found that she has been started on a new medicine. It’s a short term treatment facility so I’m guessing she will be home in a week or so, and we start over. I’m afraid to bring her home because I think if she tries again she will succeed. Her first attempt she stated that she just couldn’t stop herself from doing it anymore. This time, she planned it. At the same time I’m afraid she won’t want to come home and if so, what will happen to her. I’m totally lost. I don’t understand why I can’t read her better. I will do everything in my power to help her, but she internalizes everything and can look me right in the eye and tell me she is ok, all while she has stopped taking her meds. She can look me in the eye and tell me that she took her meds, but then I find out that she wasn’t taking them for two weeks. She has control issues. I’m going to have to make sure she takes her meds everyday, and she isn’t going to like that. That’s what I did when she first came home after the first attempt, but I slowly allowed her to take over her medicine. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. But I have to.
I totally understand what you are going through. My son would also not take his meds and would stash them. It’s so frustrating when everyone is trying SO hard to help and they just sabotage themselves over and over.
The thing is, they feel like such a burden on us. (And let’s be honest–they are, in a way.) And depression tricks the brain into thinking that everyone would be better off without them. So in their mind it can be selfless. Lying to you about being ok, internalizing everything, even suicide seems to them like it’s actually protecting you from more pain. So don’t blame yourself for not recognizing the signs or not being able to read her. That was likely her goal.
Are you getting help? It’s like they say on an airplane–put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on anyone else. Exactly the opposite of a mom’s instinct. But you’ve got to get some help and support for this. Get your own therapist, or meet on your own with her doctor. Find someone who understands that you can talk to. Check out your local chapter of NAMI if you don’t know where to start.
I know that feeling of impending doom when I knew I’d have to monitor his meds (and food intake) again–however will I bear it? I have nothing left. And I sunk into my own depression after a while. It was so much better after I got help, and started on a small dose of antidepressant myself. You must find support, it makes all the difference.
Much love to you. You do not have to do this alone.
Thanks. I started in counseling while she was in the hospital the first time. It has helped, but my reaction this time was different than the first time. The first time I was ready to take on the world to help her, but she didn’t want it. Now, while I have gotten the college, her current counselor and psychiatrist updated on what’s going on with her and ready to work with her when she’s released, I just feel either completely depressed, or completely stressed out. In the 7 days that she’s been in the behavioral unit she has been assigned 5 different social workers, and the second education specialist starts working with her today. I don’t know which psychologist and psychiatrists are working with her. I was told 2 days ago by social worker # 4 that she hadn’t had a chance to talk to her psychiatrist about when she might be released. I haven’t heard from social worker # 5. After work last night I drove 50 miles to go see her only to have her say she had a bad day and didn’t want to visit. I’m totally discouraged and feel there is no hope. Sorry to be a downer, but that’s just where I am right now.
What an awful situation. Mine is in college now too and I worry about him bottoming out again.
But the truth is there is only so much we can do, especially once they are adults. I have often had the feeling since he left for college that I did everything in my power to help, now it’s up to him. Part of it at least. I will still do what I can do but the truth is we are more limited after they turn 18.
You are not alone in feeling like there is no hope, that i can tell you for sure. I felt like that many times. I probably will again. Of course you feel completely overwhelmed and hopeless, who wouldn’t?
But it sounds like she is exactly where she needs to be right now. And it sounds like you are doing everything in your power to help. Now it’s up to the doctors.
And for yourself, make sure you’re seeing your own doctor/therapist and following their advice about taking care of yourself. And be gentle with yourself. You’re a good parent doing everything you can.
Thanks again. A new med she was started on 9 days ago has caused a rash that isn’t responding to benadryl (sp). She told her father last night that the Dr had mentioned to her ECT as a last resort. That’s making me nervous. I’m not sure the psychiatrist she has been seeing was ready to consider her non-resistant to anti-depressants yet, and the current treatment plan hasn’t been in effect long enough to be effective. Of course being non-compliant in treatment and a 2nd suicide attempt in 7 months makes a difference there. On another note, I haven’t seen her in over a week and while I talked to her on Saturday, she really didn’t have much to say to me. Didn’t want visitors. Confused, depressed and stressed.
This was just posted on HuffPost so Im late to the party, so to speak. I wanted to thank you for writing this. It exactly expressed what we have been going through. Our 15-year-old daughter was diagnosed bipolar years ago so we have had so many ups and downs. Right now we are a very low place. Thank you
Thank you for your kind words. I hope you are finding the support you need. Much love to you.
I fear that we are just at the beginning of this nightmare. My son is 15 and I believe he has depression and anxiety, yet he absolutely refuses to consider therapy. In hindsight, is there anything you can think of that you believe might have made a difference had you been able to do it in the early stages?
I would have started him on medication sooner. If you can’t get him to go to a therapist, maybe he would talk to a psychiatrist or just your family doctor?
Mine was very resistant to medication because it made him feel like “a failure.” We have a young cousin who has type 1 diabetes so I often invoked that as a comparison. Is our 7 year old cousin a “failure” because she has to take insulin? No. But we feel like a failure with depression because our society still does not see it as a disease of the body. But it is.
So I had to monitor med intake closely. Which totally sucked. But it’s the same we would do if our kid had diabetes or some other disease.
Also, perhaps talking to someone else would help if you haven’t tried that. Because god knows that mom is the last person on earth they listen to, for whatever reason. Is there a teacher he trusts and is close with? School guidance counselor? Any other adult he might listen to? It really helped my son that his favorite teacher shared with him that he was also on anti-depressants, as well as adhd meds.
Also, this might be controversial, but I would be sure he leaves electronic devices downstairs at night, because sleep is a big factor, and lack of sleep feeds depression and vice-versa. And I would be checking his devices, communications, etc. This is the only way I knew how close mine really was to suicidal ideation and making actual plans. Respect for privacy is secondary to their safety.
And I would reach out sooner and get support for myself. In the form of therapy, a parents’ support group, friends who had a similar situation, whatever. It makes a huge difference.
Good luck to you. Be sure to get help and support. You wouldn’t manage diabetes alone, you don’t need to manage this alone.
Wow…..thank you. My 12 year old son struggles with a host of mental health issues. I love him to the moon and back, but he is exhausting to care for. Absolutely exhausting. Your article spoke to my heart and for a moment, made me feel not so alone in this battle to try and keep our kids safe and happy.
I cried while reading this. I have hit a wall caring for my 11 year old. Two years in with anxiety and depression and the depression is off the charts. Cutting and talking about wanting to kill himself and wanting to die every day
Thank you for the article and sharing the highs and lows. We all keep going, because we must!
I am sobbing. After hours of googling, I came across your writing. It’s like you’re the only person who took my feelings and turned them into words. My son is 14, severely depressed, but hides it extremely well. Refuses treatment, but tells his friends how badly he wants to die. He refuses to open up to me. Gets angry at me. I spend every waking moment worrying. I sleep in his doorway. I’m exhausted. My heart literally hurts.
Sheesh! No wonder you’re all hiding under screen names! You’ve narcoticized your children, caged your children, called your children “burdens” and “black holes”, blamed them for wrecking their siblings’ childhoods (as if it’s “healthy” to be a “favorite” child), wished for them to be “better” children, and wished for them to disappear completely! When times got tough for your kids, you responded with pathogenic hatred, manipulation, lies, torture, #FAKESCIENCE , and neglect! And then you refuse to accept responsibility for your children’s “mental illnesses”. Outrageous!
This is so utterly ridiculous (not to mention mean-spirited) that it doesn’t even deserve a response, except to point out its ridiculousness. And to say thanks for demonstrating to the world just how misunderstood and stigmatized mental illness still is.
If you ever go through something similar I truly hope you get better support.
I know you wrote this 2 years ago, but I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. You see this is my story, and I thought I was alone, you wrote exactly what I have felt ,thought, and done to save my child. The difference is, it’s my amazing, brilliant, beautiful daughter who has given up on life. The first Psych I took her to immediately put her on anti psychotic medication. I got a second opinion and she is off those meds, but now she refuses to take any medication and will not see a therapist. She has runaway 10 times for days at a time. I don’t blame her, I’m just exhausted. Like you, I have days where I’m just done, but just like you I pick myself up and keep going. I feel guilty for wanting things to be “normal” for getting angry, for being sad.
I’m a Special Education Teacher and my career has definitely taken a back burner since her symptoms began. I wish there was support near where we live, but there just isn’t.
So for now , I’m the one who sees a therapist. I am learning to self care and set boundaries. I’m learning to not just survive, but live again. Some days I even laugh.
So many of us are fighting the same battle, yet there is so little support, so little information, and even less resources. I’m aware of NAMI, it just isn’t for me. I felt overwhelmed when I was the site. so many people responded some positive, some negative. I just didn’t know how to respond. It felt like one more thing to check off my list.
Sorry this is so long. Reading your article, I immediately felt a connection. You write beautifully.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so heartbreaking. I found my support online. Check out the private facebook group connected with The Wild Word’s parenting column, Behind Domestic Lines. A search on facebook should bring it up. That’s a start anyway. It’s strangely easier to connect with people you don’t know IRL about this stuff.
But also, chances are someone you know has dealt with behavioral health issues in their kids too. Don’t give up.
Finally, I wanted to say that my child (now 19) was hospitalized last fall, and it was a very positive experience. There’s really no other way to get that intensive, long term care. After spending one night, my kid spent a week or so in a Partial Hospitalization Program, then Intensive outpatient. Lots of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It seemed like there was real progress made. (Not to mention a new diagnosis.) I’m sharing this because people think hospitalization is the worst thing possible, but it can actually be pretty great. I know adults who struggle with mental illness who check themselves in from time to time.
Good luck, and remember you’re really not alone. If you want more information about anything I mentioned, contact the editor of The Wild Word. Much love to you, warrior mama.
I am a Michigan Mom as well, in fact just a blink away from Lansing, and I just got home from leaving my teenage daughter at Cedar Creek for inpatient treatment for her suicidal thoughts. While I have one browser open trying to understand if I qualify for FMLA so I can try to retain my job at a minimum I began to wonder if there are other parents out there that feel just as lost, scared, consumed etc by the struggle of parenting a teenager in this situation. I am curious if you are aware of any local groups to the Lansing area for parents like you and I where I could actually sit down face to face with another mom and just not feel so alone in my own struggles with all of this. I do not know if you will see my email in my reply, but if could at least respond to my comment that would be so greatly appreciated.
Thank you for sharing your story! I read your article a few months back when I was working to build an online resource for parents of adolescents, specifically parents who have a teen experiencing severe depression or anxiety, suicidal thoughts, behavioral concerns, substance use, etc. I was very much inspired by your article. Your article speaks authentically to the real challenges, thoughts and fears that come up for many of the parents I work with (I’m a Therapist in CA that specializes in working with high-risk adolescents). I hope that more parents will continue to have the courage to share their experiences as I believe this is an avenue to connect and support parents who share similar struggles and to bring more awareness to mental illness.
I was hoping that I would be able to find a way to connect with your directly via email as I would love to talk with you (if you’re open to it). I launched Unapparent Parenting (UP) and want this to be a resource that will provide a space for parents to feel more confident navigating these unique challenges and hope UP will grow to be a collaborative platform with more resources.
So, if you feel inclined to get in touch, I hope my email gets sent your way. Either way, thank you again for sharing your experience!
Thank you for writing this! I found it googling parents with teens and depression. I have been coping now with my daughter’s depression for 5 months….this is just the beginning, right? coping, parenting, mothering, living, supporting, dealing, advocating, surviving, hoping, waiting, praying….
You mentioned you were introduced to “a private online group of moms of kids with mental health issues”. I’d love to be a part of something like that! I am American but live in Italy. the stigma of mental illness and depression exists here just as much as in the states. worse here I am afraid because of general ignorance. I too have a younger daughter and am fearful of the toll it may take on her. I am just realizing that we feel a false sense of security coming out of the tunnel after a hospitalization. crisis managed. now for long term treatment.
I just found and read your story. Thank you for writing it. One aspect that I’d like to mention is the support you found. My daughter’s story from childhood depression to teen depression to addiction has some similarities to yours. At age 26 she has fought her way out of the depression on her own, without medicine. She has been in recovery for 6+ years and attends meetings regularly for support. She is still finding her way and fighting extreme anxiety. She is finally seeing medical professionals for support though getting to this point took so much on her part and mine. I did not find the support of others to talk to through these 10+ years. It seemed everyone thought they knew better than me; they had the answer, so they thought. I should have found support groups of other mom’s. I was so busy trying to keep my head above water and raise my four kids, and keep her alive. I should have found the time for me, somehow. To others who read this, I agree that making time for yourself is a necessity.
I have learned so much through these years, would do some things the same, but other things differently.
Today I am happy the world has my daughter in it.
I am so thankful that I ran across this article! I sobbed while reading it bc this is my life right now. I feel like every time we take one step forward, we take 10 steps back and it happens over and over again. It helps to read others stories and know that I am not alone. Much love to all of my fellow mamas fighting this battle.
Thank you for writing this. It conjures up exactly how I feel. I am not alone.