By Erin O’Loughlin

In a not-too-distant-future, Hillary Clinton is President of the United States and Donald Trump is no longer a politician. He’s searching for something to do with his time as a (wannabe) billionaire and “retired” (aka failed) statesman.  In Brexit he now sees a business opportunity of a lifetime and calls to discuss his new venture with Boris Johnson.

“Hey Boris! How are things? It’s me, Donald. Donald Trump. I heard about you when I was in Scotland the other day. I read some of your local papers—seems like you guys don’t have Fox News over there—and it looks like you’re in a little hot water.”

“Uh, hello, Donald. Actually, I’m just fine. I’m, uh, busy healing people and building bridges, as it happens.”

“Well, I gotta say, a new career in construction mightn’t be a bad idea Boris. But the reason I’m calling is to tell you to Keep Calm and Whatever it is you guys like to say. I think I’ve got the solution to what to do now that you’re not in Europe anymore.”

“Donald, I cannot stress too much—”

“You definitely can stress too much, Boris. And it’s not healthy for a man with your figure.”

“I was going to say that I cannot stress too much that Britain is always going to be a part of Europe. I know that no one predicted the UK would really vote to leave, but—“

“Well, you know I predicted Brexit. I pretty much knew about it before you guys even had the idea. And now I have the solution. Boris, I’m going to buy England!”

The line is silent for several long seconds.

“Boris? You still there?”

“I may have misheard you Donald. I thought you said you were going to buy England, haha!”

“That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Think about it—you’ve always wanted to be part of America instead of Europe. This is the perfect way to do it.”

“But, but… you can’t afford to just purchase an entire country!”

“Actually, with what you and your buddies just did to the pound, I pretty much can. And of course, I won’t have to pay for Scotland or Ireland, so that should take the price down a fair bit.”

“No, no, I mean that this is not what we want at all. Brexit was all about taking our country back, by extricating the UK from the EU’s extraordinary and opaque system of legislation.”

“Sure, Boris, sure. And stopping those foreign guys from getting in, am I right?”

“Well, I’m planning on a balanced and humane points-based system of—”

“Yeah, yeah. But here’s the great news: I happen to have a great architectural plan for a wall, never been used. Once we get that up on the Irish and Scottish borders, Britain will be an island.”

“It actually already is an island Donald…”

“Well, what’s all this fuss about being in Europe then? Anyway, once I buy Britain, you’ll be a bona fide Trump property. We’re going to run it like a business. You’ll be part of the Trump brand, and you Boris, will be the new CEO of Britain.”

“Hmmmm, I’ve always rather fancied myself as a CEO.”

“I’ve always rather fancied myself too, Boris, but don’t tell Melania.”

“Ok Donald, I’m in, we’re in! Let’s ruddy well do it!”

“Thatta boy! Trust me Boris, we’re going to make Britain Great Britain again!”